2011 Most Annoying Audience Member Award



Artwork by Brian Yarger

This Year's Winner Will Be Hard to Top (thank goodness)
By Lauren Yarger
Before the new theater season gets rolling, it's time to stop and honor the audience member who stood out the most during the 2010 Broadway season.

Each year I sit through hundreds of shows, usually near audience members who enjoy the theater and who understand etiquette. Every once in a while -- OK, more than once in a while -- I end up next to someone who makes me wonder whether they ever have been taught manners. Every year I offer my "Most Annoying Audience Member" award.

This year there were tons of the usual offenders -- the people who talk during the show, arrive late, text and check email on their phones and who crinkle food wrappers, apparently unable to go more than an hour without consuming junk food. We'll call them the runners up and focus on a few that really stood out -- those who became stars in their own rights when it comes to being rude.

We have a court of four this season, with a queen who will be hard to beat:

#5 The guy seated behind me who gave new meaning to the words "you need a bath." So horrible was the stench from this guy that everyone in the area dug in pockets and bags for tissues and shared them with fellow audience sufferers to be used as air filters over their noses and mouths. I broke out a bottle of hospital-strength sanitizer, applied some liberally to my hands and held them under my nose for the first act. During intermission (one of the few occasions I have been grateful the show wasn't a 90-minute, no-intermission presentation), we all ran for empty seats elsewhere in the theater, where the fresh air was like a garden oasis. So, if you found yourself seated pretty much alone in your section of seats after intermission, you'll know we are talking about you, sir. And please, take a bath. Now.

#4 The teenage girl, seated on my right, who constantly squirmed in her seat while putting her hair up in a pony tail, undoing it, flinging her hair around, then sweeping it back into a pony tail. She changed hair style in that seat more times during that show than I have in my life time. At one point, the decorative elastic she was using snapped from her clutches and landed somewhere between me and my coat. Without so much as an "excuse me," she proceeded to thoroughly grope me, my seat and my coat looking for it. I will be happy to provide her with a letter of recommendation for a position with the TSA.

#3 The woman a few rows away who smacked gum and blew bubbles constantly through the first act. I am sure it was heard on stage. At intermission, she spit the gum out and sat quietly. When act 2 started, she unwrapped another piece and began smacking away again.

#2 This one is a tie --
For one show in Connecticut, the person who was scheduled to come with me had a sudden work-related issue develop and she wasn't sure whether she would be able to attend the show or not. I got to the theater and put my bag and coat on our seats, then stepped outside to call and find out whether she would indeed be able to join me. When I returned, a woman had removed my things from the second seat (put them on the floor) and generously informed me that she would move if I had someone coming, but if I didn't, she would be sitting in my second seat.

The second was a woman in the front row with a very large hat. The woman behind her (no, it wasn't me) asked whether she would be kind enough to remove it once the show began. "I'll think about it," she replied. She didn't. When the woman who couldn't see complained to an usher, she was moved to another row away from the group of friends with whom she had come to enjoy an afternoon of theater. Note to usher: next time, tell the woman to take her stupid-looking hat off, only say it nicer than that. That's your job.

#1 And the winner of this year's Most Annoying Audience Member probably is a contender for the World's Rudest Person Award as well. During a performance of the first revival of Angels in America in New York, a woman in the front row left her cell phone on. It rang numerous times throughout the four-hour play, each time ringing about 10 times before going to voice mail. When a message was left, the phone would then play music to let her know she had a message. Other cell phones also were allowed to ring (not an usher in sight). When the front-row woman's went off again someone in the back yelled, "Turn off that phone." She didn't, it did its ring-to-voice mail noise again. Then, the woman got up to leave (remember, she was in the front row), causing everyone in the row to have to get up and block the view of everyone behind just at the end, when the last moving lines of dialogue are being given. The ending was completely ruined. When the view was unobstructed again, the moment for applause had passed. Kudos to the cast members, however, for managing to stay in character despite the numerous interruptions and for not clubbing the rude woman with her cell phone.

Here's a big thanks to the majority of audience members who AREN'T annoying, especially to those friends who join me for so much wonderful theater. Looking forward to another season (and remember, that aisle seat is mine....)